BY LINDSAY RENNER
Lions’ Pride Staff Writer

When one thinks of elegance and class, as well as a heartbreaking amount of style, one may think about any number of things. Some people think of ballrooms and fancy dresses, some think of elephants on bicycles, but it appears that the upper echelons of society consider the ever so sophisticated handlebar mustache.

It is a sad thing indeed that the fairer sex cannot be privy to the wonders that accompany this exceptional example of facial hair. When accompanied by a monocle and a top hat, as well as a coat with tails, minds have been known to become blown. Such a consequence is simply unavoidable, as true class and finesse cannot be tied down, much like a wet, angry tiger.

Handlebar mustaches used to be a staple for most members of the male persuasion. Clearly, these men lived in a time where masculinity was raw and mustaches were large. One can only assume reasons as to why these charming mustaches faded with time, but their loss is indeed a sad, sad occurrence. In troubled times such as ours, it seems the revival of the handlebar mustache would do wonders to revive the American morale, and restore our nation, in part, to its former glory. Who could look upon such a majestic example of facial hair and not feel roused to do bigger and better things? Only the truly insane can deny the glory that lies on the face of one with a handlebar mustache. We live in a time where class and elegance are dying, and our society needs something as drastic and symbolic as this to bring us back to where we once were.

With the rebirth of the handlebar mustache, society would see a return to better times. Men would become far manlier, and women everywhere would swoon from the sight of them, as nothing inspires feelings of true love quite like impressive facial hair. They are by far the world’s most potent aphrodisiac. Many great men of old sported these mustaches with pride, and it is safe to say that they were taken very seriously by all who came in contact with them. It is as if men these days do not care to be held in all regard by all they meet. Men with handlebar mustaches belong to a different class; in Jolly Old England, there is even an entire club devoted to this brand of facial hair. Its members display nothing but the finest of facial hair. The United States needs this sort of dignified society as well.

Hopefully society will soon recognize what a difference a little-a lot, rather- facial hair can make towards progress. More hair means more prosperity, America. Don’t forget that!